Dating lessons

By Christine Chacha

“ If a relationship did not last, it taught you something that you need to make the next one last” read on Facebook and I couldn’t help but reflect on the various trials, triumphs and lessons that I’ve  learned in all my past relationships. Some made me smile but honestly some made me sad as I though “what as I thinking! but I am very grateful for the lessons that I have learned and am still learning along the way.

My father believes living is actualized when learning from past experiences informing future decisions and I agree with him.  Here are some of the things that I learnt from my own experiences and others from friends that I vowed to never do again in the name of love or being in a relationship.

Lose myself in a relationship: I used to be one of those girls who completely submerge myself into the guy that I was seeing, his interests and hobbies became mine to a point where I barely recognized myself. But now I know that changing for a man is the worst mistake a woman can make especially when the relation does not last.

Beef with other women: I have seen women get into malicious wars over men and I believe this is not a role we should be playing. Fighting for love does not involve getting into wars and beef with other women. As I continue to grow and mature, I realize that certain things are really unnecessary and fighting with other women over a man is one of them. If you have to fight over him, then he isn’t really yours.

Tolerate or turn a blind-eye to cheating: You keep praying that he will change or hope that he you are wrong but the reality is that he is cheating on you. There was a time when evidence of my guy cheating on me were staring at me in the face yet I allowed him to somehow talk me out of it. Ignoring or refusing to deal with infidelity does not make you a hero but foolishly in love. This is a role I re I refuse to assume anymore.

Being bitter over failed relationships : God knows  I hated my ex and blamed him for all my misery and I know there are many women out there angry and bitter over love gone wrong. As I mature I have realized that seasons change, people change and life goes on. Everyone wasn’t meant to remain in your life forever. Even if the relationship did end on negative terms; even if the person did do you wrong, you owe it yourself to forgive them and resist the temptation to become bitter. Bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Let it go and move on.

Ignoring your gut feeling: Every woman has a God-given gift that allows us to sense when “something ain’t right”. Scientists have debated on it and suggests that it is  possible because  of our  intense nonverbal communication skills. Many women (myself included), have a tendency to ignore those intense “gut” feelings. We talk ourselves out of believing or responding to this intuitions while our inner-woman is screaming that something isn’t right. I don’t know about you, but when it comes to love and relationships, my intuition have always been right and I promise to take them seriously

Accepting those “gray area” relationships: Ever been in a relationship where you had no clue whether it was there or not? You do couple things but no commitment has been made? But still you stayed hoping something will change? I’ve found out those guys who place a girl in the gray area is playing games. He doesn’t know what he wants or is simply not that into you. Therefore, he allows you to be his pretend girlfriend until he finds something better. The woman who settles for this type of relationships rarely ever wins. Settling for a man whose half interested is just too hard, I believe  every woman deserves to be with a man who sincerely desires to be with her. I’ve learned the hard way that it pays to give your heart to the man who celebrates you, not the one who merely tolerates you.

Being a stalker: There was a time went crazy an the guys I dated; checking their pictures, post and comments they received. I even managed to get all his passwords and kept a bird view of all he was doing. Simply put, I was a complete lunatic. Eventually, I realized how psycho I was being and have since let go of my stalkerish ways. My girls and I completely convinced ourselves that staying “on top of things” would somehow keep the relationship from going south. I’m glad that I’ve recognized the error of my ways. Besides staking is just too exhausting and trust me what you don’t know cannot hurt you.

Letting a man put you down. A friend once dated a guy who constantly criticized her in every way, he thought she was too curvy, too emotional, too talkative, and outgoing. She was frustrated to a point where she hated herself. There’s nothing wrong with accepting constructive criticism from your boyfriend, but when they’re asking you to completely change who you are, something is wrong. I’m glad I learned that there is no future in a relationship with a person who doesn’t accept you for who you are.

Lay down with a man who am not married to: I know nowadays sex before marriage I the norm but there is nothing wrong with making a personal decision to date sans sex. Remaining celibate is not the easiest thing but it is most certainly worth it. I have seen infidelity cause too much pain among friends and vow to take no part in it. Making a vow to be celibate now and being faithful to the ONE person I will be committed to

“ If a relationship did not last, it taught you something that you need to make the next one last” read a quote on Facebook. I couldn’t help but reflect on the various trials, triumphs and lessons that I’ve  learned in all my past relationships. Some made me smile but honestly some made me sad as I though “what as I thinking! but I am very grateful for the lessons that I have learned and am still learning along the way.

My father believes living is actualized when learning from past experiences informing future decisions and I agree with him.  Here are some of the things that I learnt from my own experiences and others from friends that I vowed to never do again in the name of love or being in a relationship.

Lose myself in a relationship: I used to be one of those girls who completely submerge myself into the guy that I was seeing, his interests and hobbies became mine to a point where I barely recognized myself. But now I know that changing for a man is the worst mistake a woman can make especially when the relation does not last.

Beef with other women: I have seen women get into malicious wars over men and I believe this is not a role we should be playing. Fighting for love does not involve getting into wars and beef with other women. As I continue to grow and mature, I realize that certain things are really unnecessary and fighting with other women over a man is one of them. If you have to fight over him, then he isn’t really yours.

Tolerate or turn a blind-eye to cheating: You keep praying that he will change or hope that he you are wrong but the reality is that he is cheating on you. There was a time when evidence of my guy cheating on me were staring at me in the face yet I allowed him to somehow talk me out of it. Ignoring or refusing to deal with infidelity does not make you a hero but foolishly in love. This is a role I re I refuse to assume anymore.

Being bitter over failed relationships : God knows  I hated my ex and blamed him for all my misery and I know there are many women out there angry and bitter over love gone wrong. As I mature I have realized that seasons change, people change and life goes on. Everyone wasn’t meant to remain in your life forever. Even if the relationship did end on negative terms; even if the person did do you wrong, you owe it yourself to forgive them and resist the temptation to become bitter. Bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Let it go and move on.

Ignoring your gut feeling: Every woman has a God-given gift that allows us to sense when “something ain’t right”. Scientists have debated on it and suggests that it is  possible because  of our  intense nonverbal communication skills. Many women (myself included), have a tendency to ignore those intense “gut” feelings. We talk ourselves out of believing or responding to this intuitions while our inner-woman is screaming that something isn’t right. I don’t know about you, but when it comes to love and relationships, my intuition have always been right and I promise to take them seriously

Accepting those “gray area” relationships: Ever been in a relationship where you had no clue whether it was there or not? You do couple things but no commitment has been made? But still you stayed hoping something will change? I’ve found out those guys who place a girl in the gray area is playing games. He doesn’t know what he wants or is simply not that into you. Therefore, he allows you to be his pretend girlfriend until he finds something better. The woman who settles for this type of relationships rarely ever wins. Settling for a man whose half interested is just too hard, I believe  every woman deserves to be with a man who sincerely desires to be with her. I’ve learned the hard way that it pays to give your heart to the man who celebrates you, not the one who merely tolerates you.

Being a stalker: There was a time went crazy an the guys I dated; checking their pictures, post and comments they received. I even managed to get all his passwords and kept a bird view of all he was doing. Simply put, I was a complete lunatic. Eventually, I realized how psycho I was being and have since let go of my stalkerish ways. My girls and I completely convinced ourselves that staying “on top of things” would somehow keep the relationship from going south. I’m glad that I’ve recognized the error of my ways. Besides staking is just too exhausting and trust me what you don’t know cannot hurt you.

Letting a man put you down. A friend once dated a guy who constantly criticized her in every way, he thought she was too curvy, too emotional, too talkative, and outgoing. She was frustrated to a point where she hated herself. There’s nothing wrong with accepting constructive criticism from your boyfriend, but when they’re asking you to completely change who you are, something is wrong. I’m glad I learned that there is no future in a relationship with a person who doesn’t accept you for who you are.

Lay down with a man who am not married to: I know nowadays sex before marriage I the norm but there is nothing wrong with making a personal decision to date sans sex. Remaining celibate is not the easiest thing but it is most certainly worth it. I have seen infidelity cause too much pain among friends and vow to take no part in it. Making a vow to be celibate now and being faithful to the ONE person I will be committed to